Dear Denise: My boyfriend wants to try ‘food play’ with a banana

The long and short of it is: I’ve witnessed the good, the bad and the ugly when it comes to the boudoir.

One-night stands and complete sexual disasters, there’ve been plenty. In fact, I am so proficient at sex that I conceived two actual human beings simultaneously.

I’m pregnant with twins, and as my belly grows, so too does the line of questioning from complete strangers who are now deeply invested in my sex life: ‘IVF or...?’

And while I may not have a PhD in BDSM, I have watched enough episodes of Naked Attraction to know that belly button fetishes are just the tip of the iceberg.

Carrie Bradshaw may trump me in the stiletto department, but in matters of love and lust, I’ve made just as many mistakes, and that alone makes me worthy of your problems.

Just like the late Dr Angela, I hope to make this a safe, inclusive space — promising to answer your sex conundrums with compassion, empathy and a little bit of sass.

Let’s get talking, Denise

My boyfriend wants to get fruity in the bedroom with a banana

Dear Denise:My boyfriend (29) says he wants to spice things up in the bedroom and has mentioned ‘food play’.

I thought he was suggesting slathering me in whipped cream, which I was game for. But it turns out he wants to penetrate me with a banana.

He says the thought of it really turns him on, but I’m a little repulsed at the idea. I think he’s been watching a little too much American Pie.

Answer: You may not find it appealing right now, but strawberries and whipped cream can seem a little vanilla for people that have a food fetish — which is totally normal, FYI.

That being said, tell your other half to back away from the fruit bowl. While cucumbers, aubergines and bananas may seem like a fun alternative to sex toys, they can put your vagina’s PH levels out of whack and cause bacterial infections.

And as an aside for all you men out there: banana peels also don’t make for a makeshift masturbation sleeve. To avoid yeast infections, eat them, don’t violate them.

If your fella is still up for some wet-and-messy play, start with frozen grapes. The shock of cold to the skin can electrify the body, so keep a few on the vine and drag them down your partner’s torso — just keep them away from your genitals.

Email your problems to Maura O’Neill maura.oneill@sundayworld.com Denise Smith denise.smith@sundayworld.com All pictures are posed by models